The ABC-TV town hall ballet

I don't know if it's true or not, but I've heard that in North Korea, Kim Jung Il has installed a radio or TV in every private home. This device is fixed on one channel that does nothing but spout pro-government drivel all day. Citizens can't turn it off.

Apparently in the USA, ABC-TV is vying for the role of service provider for this in the Osama regime.

They're doing what they call a "Town Hall Meeting" on socialized medicine. Although apparently only Comrade Osama and his minions will be represented; ABC-TV isn't inviting Republicans or other known opposition to present their views. They won't even take paid advertising from people who have a different view. They say they will allow questions from the audience.

Look, I've been to these things. This is pretty much how it works: If they've scheduled two hours for it, you can be sure at least one solid hour at least will be the pro-socialist crowd doing their sales pitches. They may include videotaped clips from pathetic people who don't have insurance. (I'm one of them. No one's been knocking on my door.) I'm not sure how ABC is setting up the format, but apparently they're doing an interview with Comrade Osama, so perhaps this will occupy one full hour, followed by the sales pitches for socialized medicine from the lesser gods in the regime. Comrade Osama is above the nuts'n'bolts details.

Then they may have "open microphones" somewhere. People will line up to ask questions. OK. These aren't people who just wander in off the street. They're screened before they're admitted to the meeting, and probably nowadays frisked for weapons, as well. Honestly, that's only practical. I mean, they had to reroute the traffic in DC to keep Clinton out of range of drive-by shooters, and all Clinton did was molest willing interns. So I can just imagine what the Secret Service has to contend with nowadays.

ABC may allow 30 minutes or so for public questions. Probably two or three dozen people will line up at the microphones, and they will very likely be asked what their questions are, and certain of them will be moved ahead in line. The TV people say they do this to get a variety of questions in. However, usually they end up with some halfwitted exhibitionist-type in high-waisted double-knit slacks and a turned-around baseball cap spending about 20 minutes praising Comrade Osama and the Socialist Path, and not really having any question, he just wants his mom to see him on TV. ABC probably won't allow any more than three or four questions and, apart from wasting time on the thickheaded panderers, the questions will probably be in the vein of:

• "How can I sign up for the Public Option?"
• "How can anyone question your wonderful generosity and warm concern for your loyal subjects, Mr. President of Presidents? Will you kiss my baby for luck?"
• "Why is anyone opposing your marvelous marxist program?"
• "My whole family is on federal disability. One or another of us is hospitalized at any given time. The 12 of us have been living in a discarded refrigerator crate down by the railroad tracks because after we get done paying for Grandpa's insulin and Grandma's leukemia medicine, there's not much money left. Can you possibly include toilet paper and an ice chest as part of the benefits?"

My gosh, the inanity of it all...

Watched Hannity tonight. He had Christie Heffner on the "Great American Panel." She pointed out that Joe-the-plumber asked a tough question. Think they're going to let Joe-the-Plumber in the room, let alone anywhere near a microphone?

These things are very carefully choreographed. It will be a lot like the Dance of the Sugar-Plum Fairy.

A long time ago, a friend of mine attended a Health Care Town Hall that was staged by one of the networks. It might even have been ABC; I really don't remember. That guy who looked like Alfred E. Newman -- the guy who was on Nightline, Ted Koppel -- was moderator, so I guess that would make it ABC. At any rate, the thing was a total whitewash rah-rah b.s. presentation pushing government-run socialized medicine.

My friend stood in line at the microphone for about an hour and was totally ignored. Finally, with about five minutes left of the show -- which was presented live -- my friend stepped to the microphone and interrupted whatever was going on on-stage. He just blurted out: "If socialized medicine works so well, how come so many Canadians come to America for health care?"

The resident doctor-consultant on ABC's payroll, who was on the speaker panel -- don't remember his name, either -- looked like he was going to have a stroke. He shouted, "They do not!" [A straight-up lie.] My friend, undaunted, started to offer some numbers, and then they cut away to a commercial.

When the show returned, everyone on the stage was laughing and joking about how these kinds of shows serve as a kind of "safety valve" for the loonies in the world. Yeah, otherwise we might have some kind of situation like downtown Teh'ran.

So don't expect anything but an exercise in futility. No honest opinions will be expressed unless they conform to Comrade Osama's party line. It's all a show to make the drive toward socialized medicine look like a runaway freight train, and if you're smart and want to be popular, Well, Hop aboard, Comrade! We're happy to have you! Grab a Kool-Aid and let me tell you a little bit more about dialectics and historical inevitability!

Then they'll all join hands and sing "This Is Your Country."

In fact, I suggest you boycott ABC in the name of The First Amendment, a free press and the open exchange of ideas. This is pure B.S. Don't play the game.

For me, I'd much rather watch "Ghost Hunters" and "Monster Quest." That's my Wednesday night line up. Always pondering the great mysteries of the universe. "UFO Hunters" is apparently all wrapped up for this season. I never watch the networks anymore. Well... occasionally to get the local weather on WGN, or to watch poor George Will roll his eyes and smack his forehead as George Stephanopoulos shamelessly stumps for the latest liberal five-year-plan on Sunday morning. If I wake up in time.

OK, and I'm writing this at 1:53 a.m. CST, on the morning of June 24. The town hall meeting airs tonight, and no one's seen it yet that I know of.

But I guarantee you this time tomorrow, if you watch that presentation, you'll swear I must be positively psychic. (Call me at 1-800-YEAHSURE and we'll discuss the situation with your boyfriend, very slowly, at $4.00 a minute.)